If you’re a person who has put an in inordinate amount of time into “bettering yourself”, “self help”, “therapy”, “addressing your trauma” etc and you still feel stuck, let me propose a radical idea:
Treat yourself as though you actually like yourself.
Let me explain: as someone who has put a lot of time and thinking into various forms of self-improvement, yes, I value all of the therapy, resources, books, advice, etc that I went through and took action on.
But what actually moved the needle for me was realizing: hey, I’m not treating myself myself like a person I like. And given that fact, I probably shouldn’t be surprised that I’m feeling down, or that I still get stressed out by situations that I’ll beat myself up about later.
A lot of people know this perspective when it comes to negative self-talk: “would you talk to a friend like that?”
But you need to go a step further. Would you treat a friend like that if you were in charge of their actions? Their work schedule? Their social calendar?
A Lightbulb Moment
For me, this realization came at the tail end of a job, where I was overworked and under-appreciated. I was underpaid, people were taking credit for my work, I was pulling entirely too much weight… suffice to say it was a rough time.
At some point, it hit me: a person who likes herself and who treats herself with respect wouldn’t stay in this situation. I woke up dreading work every morning, and felt defeated in the evenings, knowing I had to do it all over again tomorrow.
If I were in charge of Jaime’s life, would I make her stay at a job that made her feel like shit? No? Well, then, get her out of there!
The thought soon spread to other areas:
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If I were in charge of Jaime’s life, would I make her stay up late and get up early, when she’s felt chronically tired for weeks? No.
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Would I make her put off time on her own projects to make her help out others who don’t show up for her, or treat her as a means to an end? Would I make her prioritize texting back the friends who couldn’t muster a “damn that sucks” text when she was grieving a loss in her life?
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Would I pass on keeping the fridge stocked, or a water bottle near by, when she’s complained so often in the past about not having easy-to-make meals or she keeps thinking about how dehydrated she is?
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If she were walking past an aisle of art supplies and wanted to try out a new project, would I slap her hand away like a parent telling their kid to stop dreaming so much?
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Would I direct her to blow past a reasonable level of political awareness and social engagement to instead seek out the worst and most upsetting developments, hour by hour, every single day? Even after she told me how much it’s affecting her stress and sleep, and her smart watch keeps logging a steadily higher resting heart rate each week?
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If she wanted a higher standard of living or to travel, would I tell her no, that I’m not making space for that in the budget and I won’t ask for a raise, either?
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And if she went for that raise and was denied, or tried anything else and failed, would I make sure she talked down to herself for days about it? Would I let it ruin her mood, especially on a beautiful day, or when her hair was looking especially nice? Would I tell her to randomly remember her shortcomings when she was trying to fall asleep at night?
Let’s be real, if I were talking about how I treat a partner or a child or a friend instead of myself, you’d think I was a total asshole. I would be the type of person you’d actively avoid spending time with, and you’d be right to do so.
What has all of my work been for if her–my–health, sense of peace, spiritual life, etc is so impoverished? If she still gets treated as a means to an end by herself, just like the people she complains about?
And back to all of that self improvement mentioned earlier: imagine some spiritual bro (or chick) that’s done aaalllll the therapy and aaaalllll the inner work and still treats you like shit. Isn’t that somehow worse than treating you poorly because they don’t know any better? Would you think any of that inner work had been worth it?
Yeah… that’s what you’re doing to yourself.
If that sounds like your relationship with yourself, that means there’s a disconnect between what you intellectually know and what you’re actually doing in practice. So let’s get to it.
What to do about it
You need to get way more practice in treating yourself like a person you ACTUALLY LIKE and not as just some video game character that you’re trying to mechanically get through all the levels.
I know this sounds easy or obvious, but real talk: you’re probably not doing it. Would you put your friends and family through your current treatment of yourself?
(“Oh, you like yourself? Name 20 things you enjoy doing and the last time you did each of them”)
This advice goes for people who are trying to hustle their way to the top, and people who are just trying to get by, and everyone in between.
I’m not talking about buying yourself a bunch of treats (though you are welcome to do that). Liking yourself in our society does often translate to consumerism, but it doesn’t have to.
It could just be giving yourself enough sleep and enrichment in your enclosure and stopping all the negative self-talk bullshit. Mapping out what stressors are in your life and how to slowly but surely extricate yourself from them. Or if you can’t avoid some of them entirely, at least give yourself some peace in other areas of your life. Plan out Artist Dates for yourself. Seek out beauty in your life and your walks. Try out the hobby that seems a little intimidating.
Start treating yourself like someone you like and you’ll find that it’s easier to get up in the morning, it’s easier to show up for yourself, it’s easier to make better decisions.
You feel lighter, like you might if you were newly in love. Like you’ve met this new person and wow, they treat you so well. You can’t wait to spend more time with them! Step aside, Trent Reznor, it’s time for an upward spiral for once.
Blah blah that’s not how the world works
Now, of course, the objections: that’s not how things WORK, Jaime.
Life is about SACRIFICE and STRUGGLE. You must SUFFER to be BEAUTIFUL just like you must SUFFER to make use of all the self-love stuff you’ve been scrolling through on social media. I’m gonna go to therapy and trudge through all the self-discovery with the enthusiasm of someone studying for the LSAT. It’s just a list of things to get done.
Listen bud, I’m as Protestant-Work-Ethic as the next person but let me ask you one thing: how’s that working out for ya?
Unless you only started being an over-demanding asshole to yourself last month, surely you’d see some solid results by now. Right? If you like the results you’re getting, keep going with that strategy.
A challenge
I’m not one to blanket-prescribe a way of living for everyone, so instead I will challenge you to an experiment.
Spend one week doing 10 “things that [your name here] would do if they liked themself” per day.
Make a list of things Self-Liking You would do: drink enough water, doodle, look at floor plans, cook your favorite meal, put on your favorite outfit, window shop, do some reverse engineering, watch Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir’s 2018 Olympic “Moulin Rouge” ice skating routine, get a lil treat, whatever.
Make a list of things you don’t enjoy or want relief from:
- tight muscles (stretch ’em out)
- your job (quit, or just window shop for new careers)
- overextending yourself (stop doing that, back out, etc)
- always doing the cooking or chores (ask for help, or let the dishes pile up for a bit)
- scheduling every last second of your day such that you crash out and start scrolling so your brain can have a shred of fun
And yeah, not everyone can just up and quit their jobs, but there are plenty of people sticking around in situations they know aren’t meant for them anymore, even if they could find a way to leave.
I know that last paragraph is gonna trigger the people pleasers reading this, so remember: it’s just for one week. One week! You can overextend yourself next week. Only 168 hours away.
Do ten “things that I would do if I liked myself” actions per day, for a week. Write them down on a list each day, and see how you feel at the end.
(Or cut the bullshit and just address the one big “not treating yourself like you like yourself” thing you know is the main problem–the job, the relationship, etc).
How’s your mood? Does life feel a little brighter now that you’re not punishing yourself either actively or by omission? Do you have more energy? Maybe you should extend the experiment for another week 🤷♀️
But I need to change! That won’t happen if I’m too nice to myself!
Well, yes and no. Need is a strong word, but if you want to change, liking yourself is still probably your best shot.
Let’s play another game: do you have a pet? Do you like them? If so, what do you provide for them? Enough food, water, rest, fun activities, little treats, travel (if just to the local park), time outside when the weather’s nice. A chance to stretch their legs, maybe some socialization. Does all that good treatment make them less agreeable?
What if you were trying to architect a wonderful life for someone you liked, what would you put in it? Would you give them a shitty job? Would you make them spend time with people who disrespected them? Would you limit their food intake or keep them away from their favorite hobbies? Would you let them have their favorite foods every so often–but only if they agreed to beat themselves up for days afterwards?
No, obviously. You’d design a wonderful life for them, with whatever you could manage. If you had zero dollars, you’d at least point out the beautiful flowers a couple houses over that you could stroll by for free. You’d improve their life to the point that they’d start to expect and seek out more improvements.
And if this fantasy world sounds too good to be true, consider that this is the game that advertisers play with you every single day.
They draw up an imagined thing that you like, that thing you wish you could give yourself–status, looks, health, power–and it certainly motivates your behavior!
You throw your time and paycheck after this marketer’s dream instead of making up your own wonderful world and giving it to yourself. Instead of giving yourself that self-liking, self-respecting treatment. Come on now.
Anyway, give it shot. I think you’ll like the results (and yourself) 💜